Life on Track

Creating Happiness: Asking for What You Want

We all have desires and needs. At the same time we frequently get frustrated because we don't
get what we want.  This is an especially interesting topic, because it has illuminated
differences between men and women in negotiating.

Research shows, that when faced with a challenge, men are much more likely to ask for what
they need than are women (Babcock & Laschever, 2003). For women, asking for what they need
often is seen as creating conflict.    

Indeed, when women ask for what they want by making a request confidently, clearly stating what they deserve, and why, the approach often backfires.  Babcock and Laschever found that a direct approach is often seen aggressive and stepping outside the bounds of expected behavior for women.

So what is the solution?  Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, in their new book, Ask For It
(2008) suggest that one key is a "Likeability Factor."  When women are pleasant while
negotiating and acknowledging the team, they receive many more favorable reactions. Why?
Because they make an effort to maintain the relationships while asking for what they need,
thereby helping to expand the work of the whole.    

These findings are consistent with a well-documented difference between men and women.
Babock and Laschever (2003), in their review of the reserch found that at all ages, Women are
more relationship oriented while men are focused on tasks. By recognizing and honoring the
contributions of both men and women, solutions are much more likely to be successful.

Babcock, L. and Laschever. S.  Women Don't Ask.  Princeton, N. J. Princeton Univ. Press, 2003.

Babcock, L. and Laschever, S.  Ask For It.  New York: Bantam Books, 2008.

Partnering - Bringing Out the Best of Gender

Do you the number one reason why women become frustrated, frizzled, and

frazzled? Two authors who have written extensively on this topic, put it

very simply,  women don't ask.  These are the findings of researchers,

Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever.  In their books, "Women Don't Ask," (2003)

and "Ask For It," (2008) they argue that this is one of the main reasons that

women's  salaries are only 70% of that of men.

I have been fascinated by this topic.  I believe that it is the tip of the iceberg on

women's relationship with men.  Women frequently are hesitant to ask for what

they really want because of the fear it will create conflict in their relationships. 

Men, on the other hand, often are glad to provide what women need when they

know what women want, and are appreciated.  Is it possible, for women, appreciating

themselves and their contribution, could express their concerns in a way that brings

out the best of both women and men?  We will explore this topic in the next few posts.

The Observing Self: Creating Happiness

We have just celebrated "Mother's Day".   While it is easy to celebrate one day, it is not as easy to celebrate being a woman everyday. One of the challenges women frequently face is the belief, that in order to be happy, we have to be the "Ideal, Perfect, Woman."   This is a bit difficult, because in order to fit this ideal, we have to do a lot of work.  We have to be attractive and beautiful, be a great partner and mother, have loads of energy, chauffeur the children, bring in  money, and have a clean house. Rather than being happy, we often end up frustrated, frizzled and frazzled.  Whatever we do is not enough.  We also can see this as a wonderful opportunity to step outside of ourselves, become an observer, and use it to help us to grow.  This allows us to take ownership of our happiness.  Then happiness is something we can create, a matter of our conscious awareness, and we can feel empowered.

Being Mindful: Accepting Yourself and Others

When we can accept and appreciate ourselves, it is much easier to appreciate the uniqueness
of others.  Often, we have a tendency to see ourselves as needing to fit an ideal in order
to be accepted and approved. There is only one small problem with this arrangement. 
It seems that we never are enough. A much more honest and mature approach is to support

ourselves by honoring our compassion and strengths. When we embrace our shortcomings,

we can use the experience to connect with others, and use our strengths to create a much more harmonious solution.  This allows each of to feel accepted right where we are. For example,

everyone has had an experience of not being enough.  It is a result of  childhood,when everyone

was physically bigger than ourselves. When we see ourselves more compassionately, from a broader lifespan perspective, we can look at the situation with a bit of humor.  It helps us, not to take things personally.  It is then when we can even take painful experiences and turn them around to fuel our passion and purpose.

Being Mindful: Take Time to Reflect

Do you think it is worthwhile to reflect on the events of your life and the meaning
behind them? 

If your answer is yes, you are in agreement with the research which states that making
sense of our lives can free us from the nonproductive patterns of the past.

Dan Siegel, a researcher in the neurobiology of relationships, writes that when we take time
to understand ourselves we develop a capacity for "Mind sight." He states that mindsight depends
upon the ability of the mind to create mental symbols of the mind itself. This ability allows
us to focus on the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, sensations, memories, beliefs, attitudes, and
intentions of others as well as of ourselves."

One area where reflection is most helpful is in understanding our early life experiences,
so as to create a story of our life for  ourselves. Contrary to what many believe, early experiences
do not have to determine our fate.  When you are able to make sense of your early experiences, you
are more likely to be able forgive yourself and others and are less likely to recreate old
patterns.  Without self-understanding, science has shown that "history will repeat itself."

Siegel's research in neuroscience suggests that "the brain continues to develop both new
connections and perhaps new neurons throughout a persons life. The connections among neurons
determine how mental processes are created. Experience shapes neural connections in the brain.
Therefore, experience shapes the mind.  Interpersonal relationships and self-reflection
foster the ongoing growth of the mind." 

Being mindful helps us to focus on more than just the surface of our experience.  We can intentionally choose to grow, intentionally choose to appreciate others, and therefore intentionally allow new neural networks to develop in the brain. When we do so our living becomes more joyful and filled with meaning.