Life on Track

Happiness: How Much Can You Handle?

Imagine celebrating, and being satisfied, having what you need. Could you really handle it?  Would it truly last? One moment, an hour? Or, would your aches, pains, and gripes sneak in?
Would you be ready to meet your next challenge?

Did you know that you have a happiness set-point?

It determines how much happiness you can receive.  Unless you break through the set-point,
you will always stay at the same level. One reason is that we often have blocks in our
in our ability to receive. If you want to receive more, you will need to release the blocks.

Your Happiness Set point is affected by a number of factors. One factor consists of our conscious awareness of the sources of fulfillment in our lives,  Another consists of our ablility to savor the pleasures in our lives, as well as our temporment.  In the next few blogs we will be considering these factors that impact your happiness set point.

Happiness: Pleasures and Fulfillments

We constantly are bombarded by the media on the pleasures that can make us happy.  Movies, sex,
chocolate, television, games and drugs have become a constant staple of the physical and mental
diet of many Americans.  But does this truly make us happy?  Writers as Dr. Seligman (2002)
calls these shortcuts to happiness.  While they may temporarily make us happy, the belief
that we can rely on these shortcuts can starve our passion and spirit. He argues that
authentic happiness results from more than satisfying our basic needs, but rather by
engaging in the exercise of personal strength and virtues. In order to fully understand
this, it is helpful to make a distinction between pleasures and fulfillments.

 

Pleasures

Pleasure refers to those events that give us immediate positive emotions and a sense
of well-being. Examples are movies, sex, artistic surroundings, music, massage, and
scrumptious food.  Often they are seen as a quick fix to happiness.  The only problem
is that the positive emotion dissipates over time so that an over reliance on
pleasures often leaves us with a feeling of being empty. They provide no lasting
benefit. Rather than being a continual diet, pleasures are most effective when
they are savored at the moment and spaced apart. 

 

Fulfillments

Fulfillments come when we experience our inner strengths and abilities.  They
are related to the special qualities about ourselves that get us totally absorbed.
They are unique for each person.  For example, for one person it may be interior
design, or for another writing. The happiness that results from these fulfillments
comes from participating in activities that absorb and engage us fully so that we
experience flow. Dr. Carl Kauffman states says these experiences result are central
to psychological flourishing. They widen the scope of our attention, increase
intuition and creativity, and reduce our experience of stress. They are deeply
gratifying when they are connected to a purpose greater than ourselves.

If our goal is to have an increased sense of passion and purpose we need to engage
our strengths in activities that challenge our skills and abilities, spaced with
events of pleasure. You can get a better appreciation of your natural strengths
and virtues by completing the VIA Strengths Survey at http://www.authentichappiness.org.

 

Kauffman, C.  Positive Psychology:  The Science at the Heart of Coaching.  In Stober, R. D.,

& Grant, M.A.  Evidence Based Coaching Handbook.  New Jersey:  Wiley & Sons, 2006.

 

Seligman, M.  Authentic Happiness:  Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your

Potential for Lasting Fulfillment.  New York:  Free Press, 2002.

 

 

Asking for What You Want: Appreciating Differences

One critical aspect of women's negotiating for what they want is appreciating the perspective
of others so as to create mutual understanding. By working from a framework of understanding,
it is far easier to arrive at collaborative decisions that meet the needs of all.

 

Today more and more research has identified differences in how men and women think.
By understanding these differences, in a co-creative framework, it is easier to develop more effective
solutions.  The "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women" workshops, developed by Alison Armstrong,

has helped many women to appreciate and identifying these differences in a practical way.

 

For example, Alison Armstrong (2008) refers to one of the differences as single focus vs. diffuse awareness.  She says women are more likely to have a diffuse awareness and scan the environment for relationship information. Men, on the other hand, often are more focused on the task at hand.  This, often can create confusion and misunderstanding.  For example, if we assume there is only one way of viewing the world, women would think "Men just don't get relationships."  On the other hand, men can think, "Women talk to much, they don't get to the point."

 

Alternatively if we appreciate and understand the differences, we can use them to create
collaborative solutions.  Women bring in the relationship information, while men contribute
focus.  Of course, this can vary depending on the situation and the unique strengths of all of the
individuals participating.

 

Would you like to learn more about these differences? We are fortunate to have one of the leaders of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women program give us a taste of this difference in a complementary tele-seminar giving us a taste of this difference. You may listen to the replay with Dr. Farmer speaking on Single Focus and Diffuse Awareness.

 

Armstrong, Alison.  Making Sense of Men.  Sherman Oaks, CA:  Pax Programs, Inc. 2008

 

 

 

Ask for it: Benefits for Families and Business

In the last two posts, I have explored the topic of "Women Don't Ask." based on the work of
Laschever and Babcock (2003, 2008). We discovered that many women are not even aware that they
may improve their lives by asking for what they want.  Then we found, that learning to ask was
most effective when gender differences were taken into account.  When women honored their natural
relationship orientation, and asked in a way that acknowledged the best interest of the whole, they
appeared "likeable," were more well received, and were more able to get what they needed. 

In the past, when women were much more dependent in men for survival and protection, asking was
a greater risk, than it is today.  If a woman's asking upset the relationship, her very livelihood could be
lost. Relationships were more hierarchical. Often it was necessary for survival.

Today, many women are much more economically independent, and asking is a necessity of leading
a more complex life. Women often find that they cannot do a job as well as all the chores at home.
Instead the jobs need to be negotiated.

In addition, for many people in Western countries, our basic needs are met. We are no longer at a
stage of survival. Instead, asking can reflect a collaborative, partnership orientation. Here neither
person is dependent on the other.  Rather, than dependent, or independent, interdependent
solutions are available. People can become more oriented towards working towards co-creative
relationships to benefit the larger whole.
 
Partnerships strengthen both the family and business culture. By focusing their efforts on cooperating  rather than just competing, women contribute to more stable and sophisticated family and business relationships – relationships based on mutual advantage rather than on cruder, more competitive measures of success.  Strong family and business relationships are the hallmark of a healthy economy.  Women, by asking, may be improving their own position as well as helping us all.