Life on Track

On Track with Harmony and Focus

Women leading a "Life on Track" may experience it differently than men.  When we think of life being on track, we often think of our energy being focused on one goal. The only problem is this, women often do not focus.  We create a new space.

Men and women may differ in how they view life as being on a higher track.  A man's orientation to the world is much more organized around a single focus than a woman's.  Women tend more to to scan the environment to create harmonious surroundings.  For example, if a woman is to clean the kitchen.  Her desire is really to create an uncluttered, peaceful space.  For a male, it might be focused on hunting and locating food.

Success: The Internal Yardstick of Purpose

In the past, success has been often defined in material terms such as money. Today, with the downturn of the economy, many people are looking for something more.  In order to be truly happy, more and more are choosing to become more socially conscious, honor their deeper values, and utilize their strengths. 

One motto that has driven American Society for many years is "More is Better." Yet many have found that once they have enough for their basic survival and comfort, the additional emphasis on money and position does not bring happiness to many people.  Indeed, research shows that focusing on money and position at the expense of personal fulfillment and meaning lead many to suffer from depression and anxiety. 

This has been clearly shown in epidemiological research.  In almost all Western countries, once basic needs are met, continued affluence does not lead to happiness.  Instead, it has lead to epidemic levels of depression (Seligman, 2002). 

What motivates this continuous drive for more? Many times it is motivated by feelings of inadequacy, scarcity, and lack.  When this happens, individuals often measure themselves by an invisible yardstick that is external to themselves. If more is better, then what I have is not enough, but the "more" that is supposed to make things better still is not enough. As long as we are measuring ourselves by what others have or think, we will never have enough.

The problem is that this motivation comes from a negative root, and, according to the Law of Attraction, "like attracts like," resulting in continued strife. Once we become aware of a negative root, we can choose to release it, and create a new path.

Success: The External Yardstick of Getting to Enough

Success has been often defined in material terms such as money. Today, with the downturn of the economy, many people are looking for something more.  Today, in order to be truly happy, more and more are choosing to become more socially conscious, honor their deeper values, and utilize their strengths. 

 

One motto that has driven American Society for many years is "More is Better." Yet many have found that once they have enough for their basic survival and comfort, further emphasis on money and position does not bring more happiness. Indeed, research shows that focusing on money and position at the expense of personal fulfillment and meaning lead many to suffer from depression and anxiety. 

 

This has been clearly shown in epidemiological research.  In almost all Western countries, once basic needs are met, continued affluence does not
lead to happiness.  Instead, it has lead to epidemic levels of depression.
 

What motivates this continuous drive for more? Many times it is motivated by feelings of inadequacy, scarcity, and lack.  When this happens, individuals often measure themselves by an invisible yardstick that is external to themselves. If more is better, then what I have is not enough, but the "more" that is supposed to make things better still is not enough. 

As long as we are measuring ourselves by what others have or think, we will never have enough. The problem is that this motivation comes from a negative root, and,according to the Law of Attraction, "like attracts like," resulting in continued strife. Once we become aware of a negative root, we can choose to release it, and create a new path.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Dr. Alice

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Observing Self: Creating Happiness

We have just celebrated "Mother's Day".   While it is easy to celebrate one day, it is not as easy to celebrate being a woman everyday. One of the challenges women frequently face is the belief, that in order to be happy, we have to be the "Ideal, Perfect, Woman."   This is a bit difficult, because in order to fit this ideal, we have to do a lot of work.  We have to be attractive and beautiful, be a great partner and mother, have loads of energy, chauffeur the children, bring in  money, and have a clean house. Rather than being happy, we often end up frustrated, frizzled and frazzled.  Whatever we do is not enough.  We also can see this as a wonderful opportunity to step outside of ourselves, become an observer, and use it to help us to grow.  This allows us to take ownership of our happiness.  Then happiness is something we can create, a matter of our conscious awareness, and we can feel empowered.

Being Mindful: Take Time to Reflect

Do you think it is worthwhile to reflect on the events of your life and the meaning
behind them? 

If your answer is yes, you are in agreement with the research which states that making
sense of our lives can free us from the nonproductive patterns of the past.

Dan Siegel, a researcher in the neurobiology of relationships, writes that when we take time
to understand ourselves we develop a capacity for "Mind sight." He states that mindsight depends
upon the ability of the mind to create mental symbols of the mind itself. This ability allows
us to focus on the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, sensations, memories, beliefs, attitudes, and
intentions of others as well as of ourselves."

One area where reflection is most helpful is in understanding our early life experiences,
so as to create a story of our life for  ourselves. Contrary to what many believe, early experiences
do not have to determine our fate.  When you are able to make sense of your early experiences, you
are more likely to be able forgive yourself and others and are less likely to recreate old
patterns.  Without self-understanding, science has shown that "history will repeat itself."

Siegel's research in neuroscience suggests that "the brain continues to develop both new
connections and perhaps new neurons throughout a persons life. The connections among neurons
determine how mental processes are created. Experience shapes neural connections in the brain.
Therefore, experience shapes the mind.  Interpersonal relationships and self-reflection
foster the ongoing growth of the mind." 

Being mindful helps us to focus on more than just the surface of our experience.  We can intentionally choose to grow, intentionally choose to appreciate others, and therefore intentionally allow new neural networks to develop in the brain. When we do so our living becomes more joyful and filled with meaning.

The Observing Self: Mind Sight

When we understand how the Observing Self grows and develops, we can begin to
know and understand ourselves in an open and self-supportive way.  I have found
it most helpful to understand how ancient patterns, even from the cave man, cave
women days, are present in our current behavior.

This is the first step of an attitude of self-awareness, which is a purposeful
approach towards ourselves and others. It helps us to promote the development
of empathy and compassionate understanding. 

Dan Siegel, in his book, The Developing Mind, (1999) calls this "Mind sight."
As we become aware of our own internal experience, it helps us to put ourselves
in another's shoes, and to imagine another person's internal world.

Being mindful is at the heart of nurturing relationships.  When we are mindful,
we live in the present.  We are aware of our own thoughts and feelings and are
also open to those of others.  If we have clarity within ourselves, we are more
able to fully appreciate the essence of others.  Mind Sight respects the uniqueness
of each individual's mind.

Being mindful can also mean being intentional. We can purposefully choose a certain
behavior with another person's well-being in mind.  Others notice our thoughtfulness
and feel safe and nurtured around us.  Mindfulness thus enhances all of our relationships.

Keys To A Life on Track: The Observing Self

One of the keys to living a life on track, is an ability to step outside ourselves and observe our life.  This has been referred to as  "The Observing Self." When we develop an observing self, we are less likely to be reactive to external events or take them personally.  Becoming consciously aware of the different aspects of ourselves, helps us to understand the functioning of others and ourselves, so that we can make intentional choices in deciding how we want to live.

Three aspects of self are commonly considered. One is our awareness of our basic bodily needs and functioning. Our body has fundamental basic biological needs that are primal in that they are needed for survival. They are basic needs such as the need for food, sex, sleep, warmth, and shelter. This can be seen as our instinctual self.  Webster's dictionary defines an instinct as "a natural impulse or innate propensity that incites animals, (including man) to actions that are essential to their existence, preservation, and development."

A second is an awareness of our mental conception of self. This is how we are known to the world, such
as "I am Bob or Mary."  Webster's dictionary refers to the mind as "the aggregate of all conscious and unconscious processes originating in and associated with the brain, especially those pertaining to cognition, intelligence, and our intellect."  Our mental picture of ourself is usually the result of our early experience, or our internalized ideals, and is often referred to as "the Ego."

The third aspect of self is the most comprehensive, and is referred to as "The Observing Self."  It also is called the "Witness",  or the "True Self", (or I AM).   Ken Wilbur, in "A Brief History of Everything" (2000), describes the Witnessing Self as "the Self with a capital S, or the Witness" or pure presence, or pure Awareness, or  Consciousness as such."  This self witnesses the living divine. Some might call this the Human Spirit. Wilber states that this self is not emergent, but rather is an aspect present from the start as a basic form of awareness, which becomes increasingly obvious as we become more self aware and transcend the functioning of instinct and ego.

These aspects of self build upon each other.  As our basic instinctual needs are met, we can address self esteem needs, and then those of expansion and fulfillment.  In order to keep our life on track, we need to recognize all three.

The Stirrings of Consciousness: A Choice

We are living in a time when we are experiencing many challenges. Global warming, economic stress,
and an increase in crime.  Here in the Midwest the recent shootings have let us know, there was something serious amiss. Such challenges can make us feel helpless, anxious, and fearful.  We can also
use these experiences to gather our strengths, and use it to transform.   

We can chose how we experience our reality. We can create a choice by stepping back so as to understand the underlying patterns and the overall path of to growth.

Consciousness:

Coming from a background human development and having served as an expert witness
for inmates on death row,  the increase in seemingly random shootings has been of
concern to me.  These incidents, while difficult and painful, need not result in shame and blame.
From a broader perspective they also may serve as a stimulus to create a leap for good.

Facing the Problem:

Who is this person who commits the crime?  Is this person inherently evil, a monster?  Or, is there
something more? In my investigations of older adolescents on the antecedents of the crime.  I found that all too often there was a story of a lost child, a child that had fallen in the cracks of a busy, fragmented world.  The pattern was one of poverty, broken families, bullying at school, fear, blame, and little community. 

As a teenager the individual was in the wrong crowd, with little positive direction. The crime had been
committed by age 18.  This story is similar to many of the stories so vividly described by James Garbarino (1999) in his book, "Lost Boys."  What was most deeply missing was a sense of connection and being significant.
   
When individuals are deeply damaged and hurt, or their voices ignored, they often lose their ability to
reflect on the impact of their behavior on others.  They lose their ability to function effectively. Protection is needed. We need to be discerning and wise, know the signals for dangerousness, and protect ourselves and others. 

At the same time, it also is helpful to take a broader perspective. The prison business is one of the fastest growing in the country.  Is there something we can learn? Is it possible to do a better job, to create a new way?   

I say yes.