Life on Track

Asking for What You Want: Appreciating Differences

One critical aspect of women's negotiating for what they want is appreciating the perspective
of others so as to create mutual understanding. By working from a framework of understanding,
it is far easier to arrive at collaborative decisions that meet the needs of all.

 

Today more and more research has identified differences in how men and women think.
By understanding these differences, in a co-creative framework, it is easier to develop more effective
solutions.  The "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women" workshops, developed by Alison Armstrong,

has helped many women to appreciate and identifying these differences in a practical way.

 

For example, Alison Armstrong (2008) refers to one of the differences as single focus vs. diffuse awareness.  She says women are more likely to have a diffuse awareness and scan the environment for relationship information. Men, on the other hand, often are more focused on the task at hand.  This, often can create confusion and misunderstanding.  For example, if we assume there is only one way of viewing the world, women would think "Men just don't get relationships."  On the other hand, men can think, "Women talk to much, they don't get to the point."

 

Alternatively if we appreciate and understand the differences, we can use them to create
collaborative solutions.  Women bring in the relationship information, while men contribute
focus.  Of course, this can vary depending on the situation and the unique strengths of all of the
individuals participating.

 

Would you like to learn more about these differences? We are fortunate to have one of the leaders of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women program give us a taste of this difference in a complementary tele-seminar giving us a taste of this difference. You may listen to the replay with Dr. Farmer speaking on Single Focus and Diffuse Awareness.

 

Armstrong, Alison.  Making Sense of Men.  Sherman Oaks, CA:  Pax Programs, Inc. 2008

 

 

 

Ask for it: Benefits for Families and Business

In the last two posts, I have explored the topic of "Women Don't Ask." based on the work of
Laschever and Babcock (2003, 2008). We discovered that many women are not even aware that they
may improve their lives by asking for what they want.  Then we found, that learning to ask was
most effective when gender differences were taken into account.  When women honored their natural
relationship orientation, and asked in a way that acknowledged the best interest of the whole, they
appeared "likeable," were more well received, and were more able to get what they needed. 

In the past, when women were much more dependent in men for survival and protection, asking was
a greater risk, than it is today.  If a woman's asking upset the relationship, her very livelihood could be
lost. Relationships were more hierarchical. Often it was necessary for survival.

Today, many women are much more economically independent, and asking is a necessity of leading
a more complex life. Women often find that they cannot do a job as well as all the chores at home.
Instead the jobs need to be negotiated.

In addition, for many people in Western countries, our basic needs are met. We are no longer at a
stage of survival. Instead, asking can reflect a collaborative, partnership orientation. Here neither
person is dependent on the other.  Rather, than dependent, or independent, interdependent
solutions are available. People can become more oriented towards working towards co-creative
relationships to benefit the larger whole.
 
Partnerships strengthen both the family and business culture. By focusing their efforts on cooperating  rather than just competing, women contribute to more stable and sophisticated family and business relationships – relationships based on mutual advantage rather than on cruder, more competitive measures of success.  Strong family and business relationships are the hallmark of a healthy economy.  Women, by asking, may be improving their own position as well as helping us all.

 

Creating Happiness: Asking for What You Want

We all have desires and needs. At the same time we frequently get frustrated because we don't
get what we want.  This is an especially interesting topic, because it has illuminated
differences between men and women in negotiating.

Research shows, that when faced with a challenge, men are much more likely to ask for what
they need than are women (Babcock & Laschever, 2003). For women, asking for what they need
often is seen as creating conflict.    

Indeed, when women ask for what they want by making a request confidently, clearly stating what they deserve, and why, the approach often backfires.  Babcock and Laschever found that a direct approach is often seen aggressive and stepping outside the bounds of expected behavior for women.

So what is the solution?  Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, in their new book, Ask For It
(2008) suggest that one key is a "Likeability Factor."  When women are pleasant while
negotiating and acknowledging the team, they receive many more favorable reactions. Why?
Because they make an effort to maintain the relationships while asking for what they need,
thereby helping to expand the work of the whole.    

These findings are consistent with a well-documented difference between men and women.
Babock and Laschever (2003), in their review of the reserch found that at all ages, Women are
more relationship oriented while men are focused on tasks. By recognizing and honoring the
contributions of both men and women, solutions are much more likely to be successful.

Babcock, L. and Laschever. S.  Women Don't Ask.  Princeton, N. J. Princeton Univ. Press, 2003.

Babcock, L. and Laschever, S.  Ask For It.  New York: Bantam Books, 2008.

Partnering - Bringing Out the Best of Gender

Do you the number one reason why women become frustrated, frizzled, and

frazzled? Two authors who have written extensively on this topic, put it

very simply,  women don't ask.  These are the findings of researchers,

Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever.  In their books, "Women Don't Ask," (2003)

and "Ask For It," (2008) they argue that this is one of the main reasons that

women's  salaries are only 70% of that of men.

I have been fascinated by this topic.  I believe that it is the tip of the iceberg on

women's relationship with men.  Women frequently are hesitant to ask for what

they really want because of the fear it will create conflict in their relationships. 

Men, on the other hand, often are glad to provide what women need when they

know what women want, and are appreciated.  Is it possible, for women, appreciating

themselves and their contribution, could express their concerns in a way that brings

out the best of both women and men?  We will explore this topic in the next few posts.

Being Mindful: Accepting Yourself and Others

When we can accept and appreciate ourselves, it is much easier to appreciate the uniqueness
of others.  Often, we have a tendency to see ourselves as needing to fit an ideal in order
to be accepted and approved. There is only one small problem with this arrangement. 
It seems that we never are enough. A much more honest and mature approach is to support

ourselves by honoring our compassion and strengths. When we embrace our shortcomings,

we can use the experience to connect with others, and use our strengths to create a much more harmonious solution.  This allows each of to feel accepted right where we are. For example,

everyone has had an experience of not being enough.  It is a result of  childhood,when everyone

was physically bigger than ourselves. When we see ourselves more compassionately, from a broader lifespan perspective, we can look at the situation with a bit of humor.  It helps us, not to take things personally.  It is then when we can even take painful experiences and turn them around to fuel our passion and purpose.

Higher: Bringing Out Our Best

When I work with individuals, couples, and families, I frequently ask "what do you appreciate most about your partner and members of the family?"  The replies often reflect their values.  They note strengths such as humor, creativity, kindness, teamwork, and taking time together.  These are mentioned more frequently than material items.

Focusing on strengths helps build our relationships. Honoring our strengths help us to focus on our ideals and higher sense of self.  They provide a deeper sense of purpose, in that they help us to look beyond ourselves to the values we all hold in common. We are gratified when we have opportunities to be the best of ourselves, in small ways, in daily life.  We feel we are living up to the ideals we hold most dearly. Continuing to exercise strengths produces even more gratification.  When we see this in others as well, we feel validated and work harder not to disappoint others' faith in us.

There is an underlying principle that applies to all of our relationships.  We experience more happiness and joy by rising to the occasion, using our strengths, and bringing out the best of ourselves and others, than by focusing on our weaknesses.                  

Celebrating Life: Our Inter-Being is Our Well-Being

Can we use our challenges to connect with our humanity? Or, do we use them to put ourselves
in a box?

Many times, when faced with challenges and pain, we judge our experience as bad. We want to hide and  function as though we are complete and separate entities.  The walls of our boxes are built from
the judgments we make about ourselves from our personal experiences and backgrounds.

They form the assumptions from which we construct our view of the world.  Often they come from our
early childhood and represent our egocentric tendency to fault ourselves for things we do not
understand.

Our boxes prevent us from tapping into the roots of our common human experience.  Rather than
attempting to understand others, we distance ourselves by judging and discojnnecting. 

When we use our pain to connect with our humanity, we feel more complete because we are reconnected. This enhances our personal sense of well-being and gives our lives meaning. Instead of being negative, it leads to passion and purpose in our lives.

One way to face pain, is to honor the personal strengths that have helped you to rise to to overcome
your challenges. You can discover them by reflecting on your personal history as well as by sharing with
friends and family.

When you do so, you will discover the higher qualities that hold you together. One way to discover your
strengths is to go to www.authentichappiness.org and take the VIA strengths questionairre.  You will
discover your unique signature strengths as well as those that you share in common with others. Then,
take time to reflect and share how they have showed up in your lives.

Successful Relating: Does Your Intention Make a Difference?

When you face a relationship challenge, you can focus on the problem or you can focus on the solution.  In the process, it is often helpful to identify the higher intention. It helps you to step outside the immediate emotion, and view it from  a broader perspective.  But does can an intentional focus really make a difference? 

I recently received an interesting one-minute video from ION's on the impact of a loving intentional focus.  What was most interesting is that it showed the impact of loving intentions on chocolate.   Check the following link to see what happened. 

Intentional Chocolate - One minute

When the people ate chocolate that had been infused with positive thought, they experienced a significantly improved mood. We also know from Positive Psychology that positive emotions broaden and build our relationships. 

Frequently in our relationships, we tend to see a problem and expect the other to change rather than to look at the feelings within ourselves.  A much better solution, might be to take a more positive and intentional view.  Is it possible to find a solution that is a benefit to all concerned? Is it possible to find the higher intent?

For example, a woman came to me talking about the struggles she had with her mother.  When we began to try to intentionally understand her mother from a broader view, another woman, this time a mother who was having a struggle with her daughter came to join the conversation.  This created immediate empathy for both in trying to understand their mother-daughter experience. Judgment, separation, and blame began to be replaced with compassion and love. Both felt more hopeful.

Dr. Alice,  Enjoy your chocolate.